Finding Joy Through Grief

Anyone who has experienced loss(es), whether it's through divorce, the empty nester stage, job termination, or death, it is hard; but you get through those transitions and you begin to make the adjustments in your new life.

However, embracing the losses in real time of a loved one who is diagnosed with Cancer and Dementia, and who is in the last stages, is a different type of grief. You are left to grieve alone with daily reminders, left with memories that your loved one can no longer reminisce with you. You are encountering insurmountable losses back to back and trying hard to keep your balance. You are grieving a new loss each day, and haven't recovered from the loss of yesterday.

Since January 2022, i have faced the losses of my dad being diagnosed with Cancer, walking with a walker, paralysis from the waist down, complete loss of independence, memory loss of not knowing his immediate family at times - me as his only child, memory loss of not remembering my mom - his wife of 60 years, his own grandchildren -my children, whom he loves dearly, and seeing/hearing the pain of those losses in my mom and children's eyes and voices, and to add insult to injury - loss of verbal and written language.

My dad, 6'3, tall and proud, an Air Force veteran, a provider, a husband, a father, a grandfather, a brother, and an uncle. A man full of integrity, astute, who is the epitome of my word is my bond. A man who could capture the English language better than Webster Dictionary. A man who could speak and write on any subject as an expert.

How do you get through these daily losses? You cry when you need to, you lean on the shoulders of people who love you, you take that time-out for yourself when you need to, if nothing more than to just stare into space. You embrace the realities of the never again moments, and you cry again. You repeatedly cycle through all the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I don't know if there is ever a real acceptance, there is just a knowing that life has changed forever and this nightmare is permanent.

So what about the Joy. Well the Joy part is interesting. As someone who is taking care of their father full-time around the clock in his final stages, I have found joy in the care taking role. i have found joy in lifting my dad up from the bed, bathing him, and reassuring him that I got him for life. I have found joy in feeding my dad his meals. I have found joy when my dad laughs, when he expresses sarcasm with the eye rolls, when he tries to communicate and starts spelling words because I am too slow to catch on lol. I find joy in the sparkle in his eyes, when he can no longer speak the words. I find joy in the warmness of his hand. I find joy that he is still here and fighting to stay present and relevant in the day to day conversations. My dad's perseverance gives me the strength to fight right along side him. He reminds me that each day, we have that day and there is joy in that alone.... to be continued.